Guilt is a two-way street. Psychiatrists often listen to guilt-ridden people who have a strong sense of not measuring up in their parents’ eyes. And parents harbor guilt about how they treat their parents - and maybe their own kids, which complicates this deep-seated emotion. It’s all about frustration and failure.
Sandwich generation adults are often operating under a heavy veil of two-level guilt. They’re burdened not only with raising their children to become proper, mature and well-adjusted citizens, but they also frequently become the overseers, sometimes even outright caretakers, of their parents. This situation breeds its own brand of guilt. And it's heavy.
As Mother’s Day approaches, there are lots of people, assuaging their personal guilt by buying cards, flowers, candy and other gifts, who are eternally weighted down by the mom-kid relationship itself. That’s because a kid is always a kid in the eyes of a parent. Septuagenarians refer to their Baby Boomer, about-to-retire children, as "the kids." Octogenarians, when they can remember who they are and where they themselves are, also label their offspring as "the kids." Meanwhile "the kids" are handling a dual role: Looking into colleges for their own kids and checking out assisted care facilities for their parents. It’s a combo reverse relationship, marked by guilt on every generational level.
Guilt isn’t all a downer. It’s an amazing excuse that involves a lot of thinking and talking about a situation but essentially doing little to change it. Hey, if you don’t feel guilt, you probably don’t second-guess yourself much and you gravitate into a land of escapes, most likely highly self-indulgent. After all, walking away from guilt means walking through another door in your life, shutting out the people about whom you harbor guilt. It's no easy trip. No one totally handles guilt without consequences. If a parent lays it on a child (as in - "you’ll make me very unhappy if you do..."), the child (from elementary school age to 60-year-olds) will read guilt into any conversation, any activity involving a parent.
Like certain fatal diseases, there’s no cure for guilt. You can visit a parent every day but if you must skip a day (to see your analyst or maybe to treat yourself to a temporary getaway), you will carry guilt that’s heavier than your pocketbook.
Some people are born to live with guilt. They’ll always feel inadequate and no one can wash away that sense, real or perceived. Some people should feel guilt but don’t. You can’t force guilt just as you can’t erase it.
Mother’s Day generates family time together. It brings appropriate gifts to show appreciation and acknowledgement, but for many, it’s another day of guilt, underscored by implied expectation.
Certain races and religions foster guilt. Certain parents impose guilt. It's got various levels. To handle it best, use the Serenity Prayer to deal with the guilt in your life: Change what you cannot accept, accept what you cannot change and have the wisdom to know the difference.
And if that doesn’t work, blame it on your body chemistry or DNA. That will toss the guilt back to your parents.
Just be sure you can live with that.
